Because it turns out, if you only have $7.50 and you want to make ‘Fight Club’, you are actually trying to make a movie called “UKM: Ultimate Killing Machine“, which was on The Movie Channel when I woke up at 6:30 this morning.

I haven’t gotten to see their actual budget breakdown, but I’ve done a basic estimate based on what little bit of the film I caught.

• $8.99 Free!: Buy Michael Madsen a month of Netflix subscriptions in exchange for his performance.  Do not tell him Netflix is offering a free two-week trial.  Cancel subscription immediately after shooting.  Do not shoot for more than two weeks.
• $4.89: Bump into Jeff Cronenweth at Starbucks. Buy him a muffin.  Ask him, “So what is it you do that just makes things look soooo….Fight Clubby?“
• $0.75: Buy 28 seconds on a Kinkos computer terminal.  Send an email to your mom.  Tell her how you’re doing.  In gratitude, she will make your costumes.  “Don’t forget, Mom, we’re aiming for something really nihilistic.”
• $1.28: Feed ravenous pack of starving LA actors on four packs of Ramen noodles.  Beckon them to follow to production set (dangle seasoning packs in front of them).  Once there, encourage them to fight each other on-camera.  “This’ll be a great ‘set piece’.”
• $0.50: Buy expired Halloween makeup kit.  Tell leery actors this is intentional.  “We want something gritty and nihilistic.  You’re going to be great.”
• $0.08: Find an out-of-work writer.  Promise him his 8-cents residual in advance, in exchange for screenplay.  “Make it like Fight Club, with more guns.  But still really nihilistic.”
• Free!: Look up “nihilistic” in dictionary.  Realize it is not a synonym for “cool.”  Realize also that most Hollywood sales agents don’t realize this.  Sell movie to The Movie Channel.

“But I like this feeling! I like being the ultimate killing machine! The army of one made me into a f\/©%ing one-man army and I am LOVING IT!!!!!” – UKM: Ultimate Killing Machine

Related posts:

1. Google’s Coming Monopoly on Knowledge